What I am

So back at work and definitely much better! But since I'm waaaay ahead, let's backtrack a bit!
You might ask - who am I and what have I done?

Simple - well, I am your average Indian guy, the guy you'd pass on the street and never bother to look at again! But if you got onto this blog, then you'll know much more about me I'm sure. Google me, and you'll get a few links too.

Now you ask - am I going to keep shooting my mouth off out here only talking about myself? Am I so self centered that I can only think about myself? Am I wallowing in self pity?! Weeeelll, whatever you think.

Actually all my life, I've always thought about others first before myself. Now seriously don't start laughing! Let's do it this way - ask me what I want - and I will go 'ummm, errr'! Why? Because I don't know what I want and that's how its been all my life. Maybe all I need is understanding, kindness, sensitivity and maybe to sleep properly. As a kid, growing up in a cold place, where even the street sweeper or the guys who unloaded trucks wore leather jackets, I thought it would be nice to have one too. So I asked my mother for one, to which she replied that it was expensive and not really required and that we could see at a later stage. So I told myself no and I gave up on it too! All the way till I graduated from college and started working and then bought my first bike. Riding slowly through the market place one day, I had actually thought of buying boots, since I needed them (Hey, not gum boots , we're talking about the Beetles style ankle-covered boots). Saw a jacket that was practically at half rate, since it was a faux jacket, made of rexine and fake leather. Picked it up and that was it.

So I may not have had the luxuries that other kids from rich families had, but my parents made sure I had enough of what was basically required. They gave me things they thought I'd like, but made sure I wasn't spoilt! And therein lies the catch. If others got something and I got nothing, well who would not feel bad? But I wasn't the type to go telling people what I wanted, or start making a scene when I was deprived of something.

Ok, this might give you a better insight. While I was growing up, my only thought was 'Just finish the damn school!!!', Hop and skip to the next higher class, without really knowing what was going on. True, I was diligent in studies, finished all my homework on time, worked hard on projects, whatever. Yet with all this, everything that I studied, went off into some red light area of my brain never to come back out again, try as much as I could. Aww geez! My parents pushed and encouraged me, teachers kept trying to make me a better person and no matter what I did, I always came out second best. I was particularly interested in the arts, poems recital, drama & plays - hell I could sing ok, as well as play the guitar. Yet, whatever I did, I came out second best. I was voted off the Poetry Team from our class, I was given miniscule roles in the plays, my contributions never made the mark anywhere. I tried hard, in fact was also awarded the title on 'Always being there on time every single day for practise', but let's face it, I just came out second best, or third best or fourth best! I never felt really bad, 'cause like I said, I didn't know what I wanted. I'd take it with a smile, happy for everybody else get ready for the next time and the cycle would repeat!

Any wonder that when I graduated in something I didn't know I wanted or even existed, simply because of technical formalities, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I had applied for campus interviews and was also selected. (yes, I may not have got the choicest postings but I always got something, this time in a place I wasn't sure was in India or down under?!) Away I carted off to start my working life. BUT the one thing that was there in my mind always was my Father's words, where he'd always say how though he loves the North East, down South is where things are much better and while his old home is gone, he'd love to have a base out here. And that's what kept me going on to give that to him. It took time and patience & lot of help from Sister dear, but now 14 years down the line, we have set up base out here with our own home!

And the question remains, is this what I really wanted or what I was destined to do?

Search for peace!

Hmm, feeling kind of down for a whole load of reasons. Is it that I'm not doing enough for myself, am I not working hard enough, am I not making others happy, health problems or basically pressure from business commitments?

Let's face it, I'm running down the clock towards the far side of the 30s and I've not actually done something that I can be proud off. Mainly towards my career.

The welcome & peaceful face of death sometimes seems really alluring. Wouldn't there be just peace at the end of the light? No more worries, promises, deadlines, ailments and whatever?!
Of course, not the first time, its been considered. Its sometimes considered the coward way out, but I don't consider myself as a coward. Or am I? I just want to go to sleep without worrying about something and then waking up to start all over again. Let it go, just let it go! And let somebody else do all the worrying now!